Getting Over the Guilt

I had a picture perfect day yesterday.  I exercised.  I ate perfect.  I even managed to dodge Mom's chocolate chews and to die for chocolate cake.  I even had a diet Coke when everyone else had ice-cream after Neeley's preschool graduation.

So why did I find myself with this load of guilt on my mind last night in bed.  I think I have become so accustomed to having the guilt that even when it is not warranted, I still create it in my mind.  You hear people talk about getting a payoff from things, that's why they do it.  Well, I have been thinking a lot about my payoffs lately trying to decipher exactly what they are.  I am starting to see that one of them is this feeling of guilt.  I know this sounds crazy to be a payoff, but it is like a kid seeking attention even if it is bad attention.

This losing weight thing is oh so mental.  Now I have to find a way to turn guilt into pride.

The today me and the tomorrow me!

The today me is determined.  I will do this.  I will gain that health I have been searching for.  

I have the will power and the drive to take care of this now.  I will eat healthy and exercise today!  It is the tomorrow me that I fear.  The tomorrow me that can get weak and give in to cravings.  The tomorrow me that thinks just this once (again and again).  The tomorrow me that doesn't feel like exercising.

I have been reading up on a blog by a woman who has lost over 200 pounds.  She said something along these lines and I could really relate with her.  Today I am the today me!  I am working on coming up with new things to do when I want to reach for that unhealthy thing or when I don't feel like exercising.  If I can just keep this determination from day to day I can do this!

The blog I am referring to is:  pastaqueen.com

Doing pretty well!

Not much time, I just wanted to say that I am doing pretty well now.  I have been sick so that has helped a little.  I think I am just starting to realize that I can't have it all and so I'll take health over all!  Anyway, I am now finally back to my pre-Lilah prego weight but I still have more to go! It feels good to see progress!

Today started out with a really good work out.  A lady in my ward who used to teach aerobics professionally teaches a class three days a week at the stake center.  It is a really good workout and I can bring the kids and they can play while I work out.  

So I was excellent at breakfast, lunch was great but when dinner hit, oh man did I go wrong.  For some reason this has been my difficult time of day.  I can make it all day with healthy meals and snacks and then dinner hits and all hell breaks loose!  We went to Mom Dopp's for dinner tonight and she made my favorite, pot roast.   So now I need to really think of some ways to make it through dinner without ruining my day right at the last.  It is almost like I sabotage myself right at the last minute!  I am really frustrated with myself this week.  I know I can do this but I am just not following through.  I look at Ryan and Jennie and they are doing so well.  They are just do or die with this and that is what I want.  I want to make that commitment and follow through.  I just need to remember that this is the hardest time during this journey.  I have to make new habits.  I think all day long "I want this I can do this!"  and then they day goes on and I think "Do I really care?"  When I think of what I really want, it is to be healthy.  I don't want to be like my mom who has so many problems because she neglected to take care of herself for so many years.  I don't want my kids to be ashamed of me because I am overweight.  I want  to live a long life and be able to do active things with the girls.  I just need to make sure I remember that I want that more than I want banana cake at Mom Dopp's.

Time

Sometimes I think this is just going to be so easy.  Then other times I just want to give in and go back to old ways.  I have to keep reminding myself that I have 33 years worth of bad habits that I need to weed through and change.  Today we went to Lagoon.  I did pretty good but it isn't easy when you are surrounded by good food.  I really tried hard to snack on the veggies I brought and for the most part I did pretty good.  I am becoming more aware of what's going in my mouth so I think that is a good first step.  Last night I did excellent!  I got my exercise in and ate really healthy.  Today, not as good but better than I usually would have been.  I'll just have to keep on keepin' on!

The Raw Truth!

I have spent a good part of my life in a "shell" I don't like.  As a child I was overweight.  I had a brief period of glory during my teen years and a while after high school but looking back now, I never fully appreciated it.  I have always had a bad body image in my mind.  Which is weird because I really do like myself overall.  But I guess you really can't like yourself if there is a big part of you that you don't like.  Well, this is all changing!  I look at who I want to be in the future and being fat is not a part of it.  I do not want to look back at 50 years old and wish I had done something earlier just as I am looking back from 33 years old and wishing I had taken this on earlier.  I do not want to waste another day of my life wishing to be someone else's body. 

I decided to take on this blog as a way of talking to myself to work through all of the mental issues I have surrounding being over weight.  This blog is for me.  But if it helps someone else along the way then I will be glad.  So I plan to be brutally honest with myself.  Part of me wants to hide this blog and just keep it to myself, but another part of me wants to display it for myself.  It is like when you eat something and you think you don't want anyone to know you just ate all that cake.  Well, they know, it shows up on my butt!  I think it will help me to allow others to read this.  I am done hiding!

My focus now is on becoming healthy.  Of course I want to lose weight, but I believe that will follow if I focus on health!  Right now I weight 169.  (I have lost 1 pound in the last week so I can now say that!)  My goal is to be 130 by my birthday in October.

I was just talking to my sister Karen about all of this.  She is going to be my partner in all of this.  Anyway, we were talking about how overwhelming this task may seem if you think of the big picture.  I am going to concentrate on the now.  I am going to forget who I was and what I did in the past and concentrate on what I can be in the future.  Sometimes I think, there is no way I can eat healthy forever so I don't want to start now.  Instead I am going to concentrate on eating healthy today!  Just today!  And worry about tomorrow when it comes.  I think if I do this I will get in the habit of making good choices and it won't be so difficult as time goes by.

So for today, the rest of today (it is now 4pm) I am going to eat healthy.  I plan on having and apple, carrots, celery, a slice of whole wheat toast with turkey bacon and some lowfat yogurt.  I am going to stay away from desserts for a few days to try to get off this sugar binge I have been on.  I will also lift my weights for 1/2 hour tonight before bed.  I will tell you that I was successful tomorrow morning!

I hope by reading this journey of mine you will be inspired to get out there and make the change in your life that you have staring you in the face too!